Well well well…
It’s been awhile and I’m sitting here with some random show on in the background and a glass of wine in a crown royal glass bravely resting next to me on the bed. A lot has happened since i visited you … i moved temporarily to Hawaii to help my mom with some stuff and in turn she is helping me with some stuff as i sort out this god forsaken divorce. Coming from New York I’ve had two friends of mine from the assisted living facility pass away. Which is weird. Working at a place where people rarely ever leave, they tend to live and die there I understand and am not shocked at the reality of these losses. I have lost family members but never have i lost friends, although they were older and at the end of their tales, it still is very powerful to lose someone you love, knowing you’ll never see them again. Jeffery, and Patricia. I will never forget either of you, thank you for showing me love and giving me purpose during some of my darkest times. Jeffery its you and the apricot jam, and Pat its you and the cardinals.
Ironically I now work at a NY pizza place on this big island-the through line is very obvious in my life this i am grateful for…always easy to see markers to know i am on the right track. I don’t always know what i am doing but things tend to work out so long i work hard, I don’t over think and collapse into my heart and intuition. Here in Hawaii they call it your “na’ au” which is your deepest and truest knowing. Being 29 years of age and confronting a lot of change, the lessons i come across are a reminder of how impermanent everything really is… and perhaps i fancy it that way, maybe it makes life sweeter.
life is not inherently easy, relationships are not inherently straightforward, knowing oneself seems to be a lifelong endeavor. It also seems to be true the best of things happen at the times where the worst of things also are happening… Its incredible how this is always the case and we have to learn how to drive in both gears… the sweetest things can happen and yet bombs are falling somewhere else. The luxury of distance… the luxury of out of sight out of mind is what affords us the ability to press on despite it all.
In my youth, I have lost a love that had defined me sending me on what i would reference as “Siddhartha’s journey”. In this process of what has now been two years, i have completely broken down my identity turned it inside out and had to scrape bits and pieces together to fashion the person i am. Losing myself in a romantic partner and being separated from all my belongings and animals and really anything that was an expression of who i was in the process is really a sink or swim situation. This is not a poor me because I certainly do not feel sorry for myself, but rather it’s a “this is life and shit is fucked up”-shit happens to all of us if you live long enough, its just how it goes…. However this does not excuse those who are responsible for causing damage to me either. We can’t control what others do to us but we do control how we respond to others. We can’t guarantee we will be treated as we treat another, but I’m learning that in living kindly and boldly I certainly will have no regrets.
This era is has been like falling through the ice. Going from being on solid ground, to crashing through and falling helplessly into frozen waters-trapped underneath what you once stood upon. This is the moment in time where i have come to be violently aware these years are directing my path for the rest of my life. I have to quickly and calmly discern the situation and get out of it or else i die. Sounds dramatic i know but honestly that’s the reality. Every action i take and word i speak and relationship i form in this time is absolutely going to define me for a large part of my life if not the whole thing. I am keenly aware this is a defining chapter and do not want to fuck it up. Being so aware of this i have found myself to be extremely careful about what I expose myself to and consume in this time of great vulnerability.
I learned the other day that the scorpion molts into old exoskeleton fully in order to grow and also repair any injuries they have sustained, however this process is extremely hard on them and they can die very easily due to extereme vulnerability. They typically hide as their bodies are very soft and fleshy and white, they do not move nor do they exert any energy to catch prey, they typically eat their old skin for the nutrients to sustain them through this period. They are so vulnerable i this time even their prey can kill them. I found such similarities with this also comfort. Something that gave me hope was that if the scorpion survives this delicate and necessary process, they return to their strength, larger, healed of past injuries, more resilient to their environment, and fully topped off with poison in their stinger since they have not used any whilst in the process. They in a way are at their apex after such a stressful and painful time-also once they return to their abilities, they are super resilient, scorpions are very hard to kill. I find i am indeed in my molting phase. I look forward to reemerging I look forward to crawling out from under my rock.
New jobs, new friends, new outlooks and growing the fuck up has been the deal. I hope to make myself proud in this life. So far I’m impressed with the magic-One thing at a time doing my absolute best is what i have to offer, always eager always earnest always honest, i pulled myself from the icy water and my stinger is intact. Watch out world i have lots to offer 🙂 Soon enough everything comes back around, soon enough things get sorted out. I’m learning all this is above my pay grade so much I’ll never really understand or be able to explain, and maybe that’s ok.
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